Friday Jumbles

--Well, friends, there is a full-on shopping cart conspiracy of the worst kind. I recently went to the newly opened Super Walmart (there are three or four here in Columbus) and what happened? Yep, that's right....a broken buggy was just waiting for me at the door, cleverly disguised as a new buggy. What kind of new store has broken shopping carts?? And, people, it didn't just thumpety-thump along--oh NOOO!!! It also had a high-pitched squeak that made me want to shove my pen in my ears and puncture my own eardrums!

--On a positive note, I discovered that squeaky shopping carts are quieter if pushed really, really fast. And so I did. For those of you who know me, you know I was totally running down the last few aisles, throwing food in the cart, and looking over my shoulder for the shopping cart mafia, which I am convinced truly exists and follows me from town to town.

--I'm not gonna lie...I hate it when people sneeze in public without covering. Why must people spew their lung funk like a fire hydrant?? While I was in Walmart dodging the buggy mafia, I headed to health and beauty aids to get something to, well...make me beautiful. And what happened? A man sneezed not once but three times all down the aisle I needed to go down. My boys know me so well and they all just looked at me and laughed. So I did the only thing I could do...I held my breath, ran down the aisle, grabbed my face scrub and ran back to my broken down cart, gasping and sputtering for clean oxygen. These are perilous times, I tell ya!

--FYI: some of my silly questions about life in the White House posed here will actually be answered in this week's issue of People Magazine. And we all know what an incredibly informative and accurate publication that is. Get your copy today!

--And finally, I am pretty sure that my whole neighborhood is in a time warp. My neighbor across the street still has Santa hanging on the front door and two doors down, there are pumpkins on the front porch. I gotta, run...gotta help the boys get the Easter eggs colored...