Most People are Crappy Listeners (or A Question We Should Ask God)

Most people, it would seem to me, are crappy listeners who are excellent at talking about themselves and completely oblivious to their inability to actively listen to others. If this is a gross generalization, then please forgive my painting with such a broad stroke. I am sure there is a huge colony of people who are excellent listeners, expertly utilizing correct body language and conversational cues, that live in some remote corner of Montana and I just haven't had the pleasure of meeting them.

And if most of us are poor listeners when it comes to our fellow man, then how must we behave when we enter the proverbial prayer closet? Pretty much the same, I would wager. So I ask you this: Have you ever gotten alone with God and asked Him this: "What do you want to talk about today, Lord?" (cue the sound of crickets chirping)

I decided to challenge myself with this and I have been asking Him to take the lead in our time together. It is astounding what comes out of this type of interaction with God. It won't lower your cholesterol 20 points or shave ten pounds off of your waist, but it will increase your vision and improve your hearing. And your heart? Well, it will be more tender than you could ever imagine. Go ahead...ask Him.

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A Wake of Grace

Eph 4:29 "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear."

Do the words that you often speak extend grace to those around you?

Do the people that live with you find themselves set free by the grace your words bring or are they constantly imprisoned by the chains of negativity and unmet expectations that flow freely from your mouth?

Are you even aware of the steady flow from your lips and what your words mean in the life of those around you?

These are questions I am asking myself these days.

I deeply desire my words to leave a wake of life, hope and grace that can bring beauty and freedom to the people that surround me.

Our words should lift people up on the wake they leave behind and move them to a higher place rather than causing them to capsize.

Have you checked the wake of your words lately?

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Nights of the Round Table

Last night we called yet another family meeting. In our home, when things aren't clicking along the way they should, we sit down together, we look each other in the eyes and we talk. True, meaningful communication rarely happens by accident and we have tried to be intentional in our family about fostering openness and honesty. It goes without saying that, because we have three sons (two of them teenagers), our family meetings sometimes get, well, silly. But for the most part we are able to deal with hurtful behaviors and attitudes that sometimes creep in and threaten our peace. Our ground rules are simple: complete honesty, absolute respect, and what is said in the family meeting, stays in the family meeting. Each person can express what they think and how they feel and then we deal with it...nothing is minimized or swept under the rug. And the best thing is that usually, when the tough issues are dealt with, we end up laughing or talking about other things that we might not have talked about otherwise. And each of us leaves knowing that, even if no one else on the planet cares what we think or how we feel, there are four other people who do. And we will always work to keep that.

Adults who are capable of healthy communication do not grow on trees. They are best grown around your kitchen table. If you have never led your family into this type of interaction, why not start now? If you and your spouse do not have this type of open communication, then you will need to start there. You cannot lead your children where you have never been. It's not too late. It is never too late to unlock the hearts of your spouse and your children and let them know that you are listening.

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That's a Good Question!

What would happen if every time you opened your mouth today only positive words came out?

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The Beauty of Margins

One of my favorite leadership talks to give is that of self-leadership.  You cannot effectively lead others until you are successfully managing yourself.  Of great importance in this arena is building margin into your life.  Margin is the extra time that you may need as you live this gloriously unpredictable life.

Case in point would be my life yesterday morning.  I was gathering my family together so that I could drive my husband to the airport to catch a flight.  We left plenty of margin within our schedule and it was a good thing as our battery was dead-graveyard dead-when my husband tried to start the van.  Time for plan B.  Because of the margin we had built into our schedule, we had plenty of time to go get another battery, install it and still get to the airport, after having a quick lunch, with time to spare.  This is the beauty of margin.  

I was taught early in life by my grandmother that tardiness is the highest form of selfishness because it communicates to others that your time is more important than theirs.  She always told me to allow more time than I thought I would need so as to NEVER keep others waiting.  And this lesson has served me well in life.  The slow traffic, dead batteries and coffee spilled in your lap as you pull out of your driveway can all be handled without costing others if you build margin into your schedules.  Try it this week.  It will bring you great freedom, cost you little, and speak volumes to others.  And if the unexpected doesn't happen, you will have a little extra time to create something beautiful in the margin of your life.

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Exit Interview

Wouldn't it be interesting if you could have an exit interview with everyone you have encountered this past week? What would they say about their interaction with you?  Were your words dazzling?  Were your arguments convincing?  Did you make your point with dizzying clarity? 

I have been thinking that what we say really doesn’t matter.  It is how we make people feel that matters.  Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  That might sound a little “touchy-feely”, but I find that in most of my dealings with people, it is what they walk away with that matters to them.  Kind of like the aftertaste when you have something to eat or drink….it doesn’t really matter what you swallowed, your stomach doesn’t know the difference.  But your mouth will register the aftertaste for quite some time and it is that by which you judge the meal or the drink.  You leave a mark on each one you touch, a fingerprint on their soul.  What does it look like?  What will others see in your wake?

My wake could have been better this week.  I would like to say that my fingerprints were lovely, but some of them were not.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will purpose to think before I speak, listen much, and leave behind something remarkable on others.

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React or Respond

Proverbs 15:28 "The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things."

A Godly man or woman ponders how to answer (responds) while a wicked man or woman pours out words (reacts). Which one am I? I regret to say that often times I react and wicked things pour forth. I kick myself but apparently not hard enough. My goal is Godliness, pondering, responding...that whole James 1:19 slow to speak thing. I'm not on the black diamond course of controlling my mouth yet, but I'm working on it. If you find yourself on the bunny slope at times, too, I recommend taking a stroll through the book of James, but be forewarned...it will hurt your feelings.

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