Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Welcome to My Castle...But Watch Your Step

Lately, I have been considering the blogs that I am drawn to, the ones that I will read regardless of my busy schedule. And do you know what they all have in common? In each one the author is putting him or herself "out there" and what they write is real and authentic and I can't help but find that irresistible. I'm not talking about the embarrassing kind of self-disclosure that makes you want to crawl under your couch and hide, like when you watch The Office. I am talking about a real person who knows they are flawed and yet they let down their humanity like a drawbridge, inviting you to cross over the mote of outward appearance to see what the castle is really like inside.

I have avoided writing about my own personal life in any real detail for the past year or so because it is hard to give someone a tour of a castle you hardly recognize. The past twelve months have turned out to be one of the most surprising years of my life. My husband of almost twenty-one years stepped out of vocational ministry to pursue a business opportunity which turned out to be a vehicle that God used to pull us off to the side where He could tell us some things we needed to hear. And some dreams I thought were finally becoming tangible seem to be drifting off in the big, gray horizon, and I have been standing on the shore like Tom Hanks in Castaway, talking to myself and hoping that someone would show up and rescue me. It has been a costly year for us in more ways than one and a year that has shaken the foundations of my faith. And it's not over yet.

Our home, that has been on the market for eighteen months, has sold and we are set to close in twenty days. That means we have to move in nineteen days. And we have no idea where we are going. I said we have no idea where we are going. I would like to point out that this is actually the second time that we have been all dressed up with nowhere to go so I am not freaking out. I am going about my life, teaching my sons, writing, accepting speaking opportunities when they come and packing boxes, all the while breathing in and breathing out, expecting that God will show up before moving day and tell us where the heck He wants us to go.

I have written a great deal about risk, adventure and the perils of shore-hugging but what I want to say today, at this moment in my life, is that I am feeling a little seasick. And if I have ever given you the impression that launching out into the deep is only exciting and never frightening...well, I apologize. Sometimes it just plain sucks (sorry, Sabrina). I just wanted to set the record straight. Because I am nothing if not honest and authentic, and while that may not make everyone comfortable, I can at least lay my head on my pillow at night and know that I have been real. And real is seldom easy, usually uncomfortable and almost always messy. Welcome to my very real and very messy life. I will keep you posted...


Melissa King September 21, 2009 at 10:09 PM  

thank you for sharing! i always appreciate your honesty. love you! bemissa

Julie Beader September 22, 2009 at 5:32 AM  

I hear you, sister! A leader who denies their frailty does a disservice to those who would attempt to follow.

Love you, friend, and I'll keep praying.

Cee October 28, 2009 at 5:42 AM  

Thanks for sharing like this. It is wonderful to see this side of you and I am enjoying watching what God is unfolding for you.