Thursday, September 13, 2007


I originally posted this on another site on June 22, 2007...
An amazing thing happened recently: a cardinal built her nest right outside of my bedroom window. I had such a great time watching her bring all of the materials together, one piece at a time, and put them all together to make this very impressive structure that I doubt very seriously I could make and I have opposable thumbs and a college degree. Anyway, she finished her nest just in time for her magnum opus to arrive…three of them, and they were perfect and spotted and you would think I had laid them myself from the fuss I have made over the whole production. But then yesterday I noticed that she was strangely absent from her nest every time I passed the window and then again today no lady cardinal anywhere to be seen. I couldn't take it…I had to sneek outside and peer down in the nest…really get a good look. No eggs. Not one. The nest was perfectly undisturbed, but no eggs. I was so disappointed, so much so that you would think I was the mother. Okay I wasn't THAT upset, but I was still considerably bummed over the whole thing. First of all, I had invested wayyyy too much time observing this whole thing ( and feeling strangely voyeuristic, I might add) and now I wasn't going to get to see the big show. No babies pecking their way out of their shells. No worms dropping into little open mouths from a caring mother and I sure as heck won't be seeing those little guys take off like Orville and Wilbur. I felt so cheated.
And then it hit me. That is how I have been feeling about my mom dying. I feel cheated. She won't be around next year when I turn the big 4-0. She won't be here to see my sons graduate from high school or get married. I won't even get to buy her Christmas presents this year. It doesn't seem to matter now what she didn't do right when I was ten or all of the times she wasn't there for me when I was something-teen. Pretty soon she just won't be here at all. So I am going to be "looking out of the window" a lot these next days or weeks or however much time there is left so that I can enjoy her while I still can. It is hard to understand why some natural processes seem to be cut short and what you are supposed to do with yourself as you stand helplessly by and watch the agony of another person. But I figure that if God is big enough to fashion a creature that can perform amazing architectural feats with only a beak, then He can mend my broken heart and catch my tears as I gaze out of the window.


Melissa November 9, 2007 at 11:42 AM  

beth- you have such wisdom...i enjoy reading what you write. i love you!